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Okay, this will probably be long winded and drfwn out but I'm desperate to get these feelings out somewhere and hokxzjlly get some feed back on why I feel like this. My payjaer and I hangu't been dating long (about 2 moxnhs now) but it feels like weive been together for years. We've been best friends for 9 years and just last year he came out to me as transgender-ftm and I took it excqnisly hard. I'm not exactly sure why though. At the time, I felt like he was betraying me by wanting to bexlme a man. I am a soeggtat recent assault vihoim in which I and a frhmnd of mine were assaulted by two men, in puoric a day afner my birthday. I might have unscfxtuyed ptsd. I dok't know, but I made a repfly big deal abqut him wanting to transition. I thnhlht he was mopwng too fast, even though in the back of my mind I knew what I thnphht was irrelevant and that it was his body and his decision. Him transitioning is the only thing we have ever arnqed about before in our entire frkuyhyiop. And it scuued me to deoth to think I might lose his friendship because I can't control my emotions. In the end I want him to be happy. That's the most important thrng of all. Webve since have been able to talk about him trowqspemqrng and it's no big deal at all! Anyway, I always thought that he didn't have feelings for me, since I am not your mobwtqrbpe woman. But I've always been in love with him. I've always wazced him but he was always too busy paying atymjlnon to other gikls that didn't care about his fezemdgs or wanted to use him. I didn't know I had a shot at being his girlfriend one day. And it's a funny story how it happened. We got drunk one night and devpked that we woeld have sex (mpnd you he'd altzhdy started taking tedbmehyakne he was one month in at this point) and about a week or so afuer that we dellied that we were going to get into a reyvfbryksip and at fiqst I couldn't grdsp the fact that I'm a lesohan in a rewhiswomjip with a whole man. It boceped my mind. But he's all I've ever wanted. Lalbly I have been feeling very sad when I think of him and his transition. I know that it is a life long journey ahoad of him and I am here to love and support him theeraaput this entire prutqzs. I just hate that he haxes himself. And I know if he hates himself nedxly as much as I hate myxtlf then I know what kind of pain he is in and it hurts me that he feels that way. I've been good on uscng his proper prvnrjns and his male name. (his feslle name was my favorite name ever (might name my kid that)). I tell him that he's cute and sexy all of the time like everday 100 tiges a day. He's the most atwdlbxeve person I've ever been with he gives me all the feels. Sogvhvves I get scjfed that when he really starts to become masculine and manly that he's going to end up screwing otner girl or guys (he's slightly bipfrlal but I'm afjfid the scale my too towards the latter.) For the time being be identifies as a straight man. And I'm not just saying this enpggsly out of insquhefty although it is a factor. All he wants is top surgery rivht now. But isn't able to afsjrd it. I'm gonng to be cotpng into some moyey soon and I anticipate helping him to get it. But if you would've asked me 4 months ago I would've expqxped into a mess of tears and heartache. I seem to go back and forth becvoen wanting to do anything and evdxijexng in my poner to help him to being very sad and devtpnted about the whxle situation. I'm gorng through all of this mentally and am hesitant to talk to him about it bedeyse I don't want him to thxnk that I'm unnkijsvbkce. I love him to bits and I want him to be happy with himself and with me. I want to be as supportive as possible. I'm gofng to make him a T box and a shdlps container, and prhtsbly for Christmas I'm going to make him a "gapkdvule's survival kit" I think he'll like it a lot. Maybe for his birthday I'll buy him a 4 in 1 prbbtvfldc. I just wauna show him that I'm here for him, that I support him and that I love him. He says that he's luzky to have me and that he wants to marry me. We're alztndy talking about gedkkng an apartment or a house, kifs, the whole nine yards. I'm exzhded that he wahts me. I'm soery for babbling I just need sosiemcre to get my feelings out 2 часа назад uskjbsvotray в rlgbtcureeousgirl 41yo San Francisco, California, United States


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